Accidental
by britchick
Summary: October 31st and an accident changes Ephram's life forever. I'm no good at writing these things so just read it.


A/N: I don't own this. You know that and I know that. Remember to review, please. I'm not above begging.  
  
Dear Madison,

I'm not sure exactly why I'm writing this letter. I've been sitting outside the ICU for a few hours now, and it's close to 4 in the morning. Amy's here too. She drove me here after they called me. I guess I should just start at the beginning and tell you how I ended up here. We haven't spoken in months, and I didn't even know that you were living in Boulder now. I guess I didn't know a lot of things though.  
  
Well, Amy and I were at her house watching a movie. Did you know we've been dating? I guess you didn't, but we have been. It was only about 4 in the afternoon, like 12 hours ago, but I feel like everything's changed since then. We were watching that old horror movie, Halloween, because you know it was Halloween. Well, it was then but it's November 1st now. Then my cell rang. I wasn't going to pick it up, because I thought it was my dad, and just for a change we'd had an argument. But Amy made me pick up the phone. Some guy who's voice I didn't recognize asked me if this was Ephram Brown. I said it was and then he asked if I knew you. I didn't know what to say, because of how things were when you left, so I said I used to. I was worried now, because I just knew that something bad had happened. I recognized the tone of voice. Then he said that there'd been a car accident, and you were here. He told me my name was on the 'In Case Of Emergency' card in your wallet.  
  
I remember when you wrote that card. We went shopping at the mall, and your wallet broke, so I bought you a new one. The card was inside, and you were about to throw it away, when I told you not to. You said it was pointless, but I told you that if something bad happened to you, the hospital could call your family quicker. Then you kissed me on the cheek and filled it all in with my name and phone number. You told me I was sweet to worry. I don't know why you didn't throw it away.  
  
I've already told you that Amy drove me here. I wasn't going to come at first, but she told me she didn't mind and that you shouldn't be alone in the hospital. We got here pretty fast too. I guess people don't tend to be driving anyplace on Halloween afternoon, they're too busy getting ready for the evening. When we got to the ER, they told me you were already in theatre, but one of the nurses took us up to a waiting room. She asked what relation to the patient we were. I had no idea what to say, but Amy told her we were your friends, and that we were trying to get in touch with your parents. The nurse seemed to like that answer and she left us alone after that.  
  
I don't know how long we waited to hear any news about you. I still didn't know what was wrong then. Amy left me for a while to call my dad and see if he had your parents' phone number. She came back a while later with coffee. I don't think I've ever been more grateful for caffeine in my life.  
  
I was just finishing the drink, when one of the doctors finally came to talk to us. He explained that there'd been a car accident. That some drunk had run head on into you. He told us that you'd suffered head trauma, and blunt force trauma to the chest. Amy and I new exactly what that meant. Both of our fathers are doctors. We watch ER. Then he told us that your internal bleeding had been fixed in surgery and you were classified as in a critical but stable condition in the ICU. Then he told me the thing that made my heart stop. He said the baby was doing fine in the NICU even though they'd had to deliver it 6 weeks early.  
  
The baby. I'm not an idiot. I did the math easily in my head. Our baby, that I had no idea existed until now. Amy figured it out too. She let go of my hand that I didn't even remember she'd been holding.  
  
The doctor asked me if we'd got in touch with your family. Amy told him that my father was trying to get in touch with them, but that they weren't at home. Then he asked if the baby's father was around, because they needed parental consent in the NICU. I didn't say anything at first, but Amy pinched my arm and I told the doctor I was the father.  
  
I have to be the father, right? I mean unless you were cheating on me, which I'm sure you weren't.  
  
The doctor looked surprised, but I told him we'd broken up and I had no idea you were pregnant. That you didn't tell me. I'm not sure the doctor believed me, but he asked me to sign some forms, I can't even remember what he said they were for. He said to wait here, and they'd come and tell me when I could come up to the ICU and see you.  
  
It was another hour or so before they let me come up. I guess as your baby's father I'm counted as family, because they let me come in and see you for a minute and Amy had to wait outside. You're covered in wires at the moment Madison, and there's a machine breathing for you. I'm not sure I could even really see you under all the bandages but the heart monitor told me you're still alive and you have to be. I know more than most people how much a child needs its mom.  
  
I didn't stay long, but it was one am when I got back to the waiting room. Amy had dosed off in one of the chairs, but she woke up quickly. She told me that my dad had called. You're parents are away on vacation according to their neighbors, and won't be back for another week. My dad's on his way here. I didn't think he would come. Amy kissed me and gave me a notebook she had bought. She told me that I should write down everything I'm feeling right now, to help me deal with 12 hours that have changed my life forever. I didn't write for a long time. I suck at writing as you can probably tell. So I just sat there, and tried to sleep, but I can't so I'm writing this to you. You can read it when you wake up and laugh at me. I don't know what I'm doing, but I want to do something.  
  
They came by at about 1.30 and asked if they could take a DNA sample to prove I'm the baby's father. I guess it's understandable. You can't tell them and I'm in such a mess I guess I look like some crazy guy.  
  
It's almost 5 now and they just came back to tell me I'm definitely the baby's father. Not that I ever doubted it, but it's official now. Wow. I'm a father. They're about to come get me to take me to the NICU to see it. I don't even know whether it's a boy or a girl. I forgot to ask.  
  
I don't think this seems real yet. I feel like this is all a bad dream and I'm going to wake up any minute. I wish I would, because then you wouldn't be in the ICU and I'd be safe at home with Amy.  
  
I have to go now, to see our baby, so you have to wake up so you can see it too. You have to get better.  
  
I know we broke up and I'm with Amy now, and I don't know if you have a boyfriend. I just need you to know that I'll always have a bit of my heart reserved for you. You were my first girlfriend, my first love, and my first everything and whatever you need from me you just have to ask. I guess you didn't think I'd be there for you, but I will be in whatever way I can.  
  
Ephram  
  
Dear Madison

It's 8 in the morning now. I'm sitting writing this in the NICU, next to the crib with our daughter in. We have a daughter. I haven't slept in 24 hours and I don't think I've eaten since lunch yesterday, but I don't ever want to leave.  
  
It was 6 am before I was actually allowed in here. They had to show me how to wash my hands, so I don't get any of the babies sick, and they made me change my clothes. I'm wearing blue scrubs now and you'd probably just laugh and say I look like a reject from ER. But when they finally let me in and I saw her, I honestly can't describe what I felt. I used to think that playing the piano was the closest I could get to happiness. You get a strange calm feeling and everything else goes out of your head. You feel like you're part of the music. I think seeing her was a little like that. I just felt calm, like this was the most natural thing in the world. And even though yesterday I had no idea she existed, I already love her more than I thought was possible.  
  
I decided to write all of this down because you're missing this. You should be here watching her with me, but you're two floors below us. So I'm going to try and write as much as I can so you can live this too. I know I'm not much of a writer, so don't expect any great literary works, but I'll try and be honest. I think at this point, that's all that really matters.  
  
There's a sign on the crib that says Baby Girl Kellner. I really want them to change it to Brown, but I don't know if you'd like that. Maybe you didn't tell me about her because you didn't want me involved, and me being here is the last thing you want. I don't think that's why, but I don't know. I just want her to have a part of me always with her, but I guess that's dumb because she is a part of me. I guess that as a guy you always assume that your kids are going to share your last name, but then I always assumed I'd be older than 17 before my first kid was born.  
  
I can't believe I'm a father at 17. It's just too odd to contemplate. I have such a huge responsibility to her and I'm so scared I'm going to fail. I don't know what I'm going to do. Today's Sunday, but what about tomorrow. I have to be in school if I want to graduate this year, but I can't leave her all alone. I don't think I can leave you either. I have to talk to my dad about this. He's probably here by now.  
  
It's strange you know, usually I can't stand my dad. I feel like he wants to run my life and like he's trying to make up for what he missed out on when I was young. But now, I think I'm starting to understand where he's coming from. I've been sitting here for hours, and she's been sleeping most of the time. But a while ago she woke up and started to cry. I have never been so helpless in my entire life. I would have done anything to help, but I'm clueless. I don't think I've held a baby since Delia. Maybe my dad acts the way he does because he wants to stop us from getting hurt, but in my 12 hours experience as a parent, I don't think you can stop it.  
  
I think my dad's going to be ok with this. I don't think he's going to be happy, but he missed out on so much of us growing up, he can't want me to do the same.  
  
She's awake again now. I just saw her move her little arms. She's 6 weeks early so she's tiny. The doctors say she's doing really well though. Her lungs are working fine, and as far as they can tell she didn't get hurt in the accident. They said they want to keep her in here for at least two weeks for observation, and because she's having a little trouble eating. They have to tube feed her because she can't suck on a bottle yet.  
  
I didn't realize at the time but when she started crying I got so many envious looks from the other parents. The nurse told me it's because most of the babies in here are too sick to cry. Half of them are on ventilators and hooked up to almost as many wires as you are.  
  
The nurse just told me that I have to go in a minute. They have rounds in 15 minutes and we have to leave. She told me to go get some breakfast in the cafeteria but I think I'm going to go find Amy and my dad first. Then I'm going to go see you.  
  
I'm going to take a photo of her and bring it with me. Maybe then you'll have a reason to open your eyes.  
  
Ephram  
  
Dear Madison,

I'm sitting next to you in the ICU. It's maybe 4 in the afternoon, 24 hours since your accident. My dad left, and honestly I hope I never see him again in my life. I know we fight all the time, but I don't see how I can forgive him for this. He knew you were pregnant, and not only did he not tell me, he stopped you from telling me and made you leave town. He said I was to young for the responsibility and he wanted to stop me from ruining my life.  
  
Who knows? Maybe I am to young for this, but it happened, and there's nothing anyone can do now. I have a responsibility that I'm not going to give up. I don't have a plan or anything. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this, but there has to be some way. I have two weeks to figure out a plan in the short term. I hope you're awake by then, but when you do wake up we have to talk about this.  
  
I know there's no chance of us getting back together, but we have to figure out a way to make this work. Our baby is going to have two parents that love her. You have to get better soon.  
  
I'm going to leave now. I have to go back to Everwood. I'm going to talk to the school and see if there's any way to fix things so I can be here. Amy's still here and I'm going to stay at her house. I spoke to her mom on the phone and she was really nice. I think her father's only letting me stay so he can gloat to my dad that it was me who got his girlfriend pregnant and not Bright.  
  
I'm leaving our baby's picture with you. I know you can't see it right now, but it feels right, you know? I'm going to go back up there and say goodbye. I'll take another picture of her for me, even though I could never forget what she looks like.  
  
I'll be back tomorrow no matter what my school says.  
  
Ephram  
  
Dear Madison,

I told you I'd be back and her I am. So far today's actually been good, well as good as things could be expected to get under the circumstances. You look a little better, not so pale and our girl is doing well. She's still breathing fine and she's moving around a lot, which the doctors told me is a good sign. She's even starting to be able to suck on things, so the doctor said that she'll possible be able to go home sooner than they thought.  
  
This would be awesome news, except I don't exactly have a home to go to right now. I still don't want to see Dad and I can't stay with the Abbots much longer. I guess that's tomorrow's problem, but today's list is fixed.  
  
I went to school and talked to the guidance councilor and the principal. They were a whole lot better about this than I thought they would be. I explained the situation to them and they said that I was excused for the next two weeks as long as I kept up with the work while I'm here. So now I have 3 days worth of school work and Amy's going to keep bringing the assignments to me.  
  
I also have someplace to sleep here too. There are a few rooms for parents of babies in the NICU and one family just went home. I wasn't at the top of the list, but the other family told me that with you in here too I needed it more than them. I have never been so grateful in my entire life. So I'll be here all the time for a while.  
  
There's a strange atmosphere in the NICU. I mean, for most of the parents in there it's their worst nightmare come true, but it still manages to have a positive feeling. We're so lucky. Our girl is doing the best of any of the babies in there at the moment and she's the youngest. There are some kids in there that are just waiting to die, and it's so sad, but their parents just seem to make the most of the time they have. There's also a kind of family feeling between all the parents. I'm just the newbie in their club. I guess we just have to try and help each other as much as possible. Even the ones who know their child isn't going to make it seem happy that our baby's doing well. I don't understand that. If it was the other way around I'd be mad and resentful. Maybe they are and they just hide it better. They asked about you, and I said you were here. One of the moms gave me a hug. That was a little weird, but nice.  
  
I think I have kind of a privileged place here. I'm one of the dads but at the same time a couple of the other parents have children my age. I think they see me as, well I don't really know, but I wish you were here with me. I guess you had a lot longer to get used to this than I did. You'd know what to do.  
  
I have to go again now. I don't want to leave you but I have to. I don't know if you mind, but I'm going to kiss you on the cheek when I arrive and leave from now. We have living proof we've done a lot more. When you wake up feel free to tell me to quit it, but I just need to. I guess to prove to myself you're still there.  
  
Keep fighting, our girl needs both of us.  
  
Ephram  
  
Dear Madison,

It's Wednesday now. I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday, but I came up with a plan and it pretty much took all day to figure out the details. I didn't sleep at all on Monday night. I was so worried about what I was going to do when our girl is ready to go home. One of the NICU doctors told me on Monday evening that as long as there are no setbacks, she'll be out of here next Wednesday. That's a week today.  
  
I'm so scared. I don't even know how to change a diaper and until you're out of here this is all up to me. So I did what any self-respecting adult would do. I ran to my family. My grandparents to be exact. I called them and explained the situation. I talked to them for three hours and they were much better about this than I expected.  
  
They yelled at me for being stupid enough to get into this in the first place, but Nonny, my grandmother, said she was proud of me for taking responsibility like this. I'm not proud of me; I just didn't see how I could do anything else. Anyway, it ended up with them offering to fly out here and help me. They arrive this evening. Then Nonny's doing to try and rent a house in Everwood so they can stay there with me and our girl for a while. She wants you to stay there with us too. I tried to tell her that you and I had to sort this out when you wake up, but she wouldn't listen. That's just what she's like. She takes charge of everything she can, but honestly in this case I'm glad. I need all the help I can get, and even when you wake up, they tell me you're going to be in here for a while. I just wish you could tell me if I'm doing the right thing. I haven't seen you in so long and I'm kind of afraid you won't like any of this. You're the Mom, so you get final say. I'm just doing what I can until you take over.  
  
I'll come see you later, but I have to go pick up my Grandparents from the airport and take them to their hotel.  
  
Ephram  
  
Dear Madison,

I'm so sorry I didn't make it back to see you yesterday, but after my grandparents arrived things got a little crazy. They insisted on taking me back to Everwood so I could talk to my dad. I'm still a little mad at them, but I guess I had to face him sometime and I needed to talk to Delia about everything. I refused to go to the house so we met at dad's office.  
  
I'm still so angry with him. He said he did this because he thought I was too young and I couldn't handle the responsibility. I think that's a load of bull. I think he didn't want the embarrassment and he wanted me to have the future he wants for me, not what I want. It doesn't really matter though, because we managed to make a deal. My grandparents are going to stay until school finishes for the year. I'll live with them and our girl and when you wake up I want you there too. You never would have left Everwood if it wasn't for my dad so I want you there with us. After that we're going to think about it again.  
  
It's not going to be easy. Nonny said she doesn't mind helping out in the day until you can handle it again, but the night is up to us. And until you're ok, it's just up to me. I talked to some of the nurses in the NICU and told them I needed some help so they're giving me baby care lessons. It's all pretty funny actually. But at the moment it's all theory because I'm not allowed to hold our girl. She's too small still, but they said that maybe later today I can.  
  
They told me you're a lot better too. You're coming off the ventilator this evening and they said that the CAT scan they did of your head showed things are getting better. They said that as far as they can tell, your condition is improving significantly. They took you off the critical list last night, but you're still in the ICU until you wake up. You will wake up though, I have no doubts because I need you and so does our girl.  
  
Ephram  
  
Dear Madison,

I'm sorry I haven't written anything to you in a couple of days, but I guess I didn't know what to write. Our girl's doing good, and I'm allowed to hold her and change her diaper now. I still can't feed her, but they said by Monday I should be able to do that too. You're doing good too. You're off the ventilator and lots of the wires are gone too. They're doing another CAT scan today, but they told me they are going to keep you asleep for at least another week. I got a little mad at them, but they told me you'd had surgery on your heart because of the accident. I don't know how I didn't know that. Anyway, they told me that you needed to totally rest for as long as possible and with a new baby, they said that what they called an induced coma was the best option. I left at that point. I know that wasn't very adult but I guess I just thought that you'd wake up and things would be fine and you'd be ok. Maybe that was just unrealistic.  
  
Anyway, I talked to them again this morning and they said I've treated them better than most of the families in the ICU.  
  
Over this week, I've kind of got into a routine. I wake up early, as I'm not sleeping well at the moment. Nonny said I should enjoy sleep as much as possible while I can, because I'm not going to get any for the next six months. Then I go see our girl for a while. The nurses kick me out at around 9am and I go find breakfast.  
  
After that I come see you for a couple of hours. They told me I should talk to you because it stimulates brainwave activity, whatever that means, but I really hope you can't hear me because honestly, I talk about stuff I don't want other people to know. Either that or I tell you about every little thing our girl does.  
  
I try and get lunch as early as possible because I learned on my first day here that the cafeteria is a zoo at lunch. The food isn't too bad, but then I've tried things my dad cooked.  
  
After lunch I try and do some of the schoolwork I've been sent and then I go back to the NICU and stay there until they kick me out.  
  
Nonny and Grandpa have been trying to arrange things in Everwood. They found a house to rent and have hired someone to decorate it. They're taking me shopping tomorrow to buy a crib and a stroller and baby clothes and everything else we need. This means they're not around in the day, but they've been dragging me out to dinner in the evenings. They say I have to get out of the hospital at least once a day.  
  
As today is Saturday the routine got a little disrupted, but in a good way. Amy drove up to see me and she brought Delia with her. I was happy to see both of them, but it was difficult. They can't go in the NICU or here in the ICU so they're stuck in waiting rooms. Delia cried when they told her she couldn't see you. I haven't seen her cry in a long time, but she really misses you.  
  
After that, Amy and Nonny took her shopping for a couple of hours, which is why I'm with you.  
  
I worked out a compromise with the NICU so Delia can see her niece. I'm not allowed to take her out of the NICU, but I can take her to the window so Delia can see her. They're actually letting Amy in here for a minute or so, as long as she doesn't touch anything.  
  
Amy's been so great about all of this. I would have thought that she'd have broken up with me the moment she found out about everything, but she's been understanding. She told me she understood that I still had a connection with you but she knows that I love her now. She also told me that she would be more likely to break up with me if I ditched my responsibilities. When she said that I just had to kiss her. I guess she knows what it's like to have someone you care about in the hospital.  
  
I know you probably don't want to hear all about Amy, but I guess I have to let you know that I've moved on. You will always be my first love and now you're my baby's mom. But we didn't work. I wish we could work, but if we broke up again we'd end up hating each other and I don't want our girl growing up with parents that can't even look at one another. I want us to be friends though, because I'll always want you in my life.  
  
Ephram  
  
Dear Madison,

It's still Saturday but a lot happened this evening. The police came by to give me the stuff you came in with. They told me they hold it for a week to see if you'll wake up but after that they give it to the family. It shouldn't be me, but your parents aren't here yet.  
  
We got in contact with your parents finally this afternoon. They've been on vacation in California, but they're going to come tomorrow. You told them you were pregnant, but not about me. I'm not exactly surprised, but they weren't happy when I told them. I told them my age, because I though at least they should have some time to prepare. Nonny talked to them too, and after that they seemed better about everything. They want you to come back to Everwood too, but they want you to live with them. I said that I didn't care as long as it was what you wanted.  
  
I looked through your stuff when they gave it to me. I didn't want to invade your privacy, but I thought someone should go to your apartment to check on everything. I didn't know where it was and neither did your parents. I found the book of baby names in your bag though and I'm looking through it too. Our girl needs a name, and I want to have some ideas too.  
  
I guess you didn't know it was a girl judging from the list of boy's names next to the list of girl's names you wrote in the back of the book.  
  
You had Ephram down as a possible name. I'm not sure how that makes me feel, but we have a girl so it doesn't matter anyway. I like all of the girl's names you had written down, but I think my favorite is Mackenzie. I don't know why, but I've always liked the name. It's not on your list but I thought maybe for a middle name we could use Madeline. Then she could be a Maddie just like her Mom. I don't want to make any decisions without you there, but our girl is a week old now and she still doesn't have a name. I have to fill out the birth certificate on Monday. I was going to register her as baby girl Kellner and then when you wake up we can have it changed to whatever you decide. But she needs to have a name by the time I take her home on Wednesday, so I'm going to go with Mackenzie. I think she suits the name. If you hate it for her, we can change it. She's not going to remember.  
  
It's late now, so I'm going to try and get some sleep.  
  
Ephram  
  
Dear Madison,

You didn't forget about me. Your parents asked my grandparents and me to go check on your apartment. We were going to do that anyway, but I didn't tell them that. I think they just wanted a little time alone with you and they needed to get rid of me. It's a nice apartment though, even if it is a little small. Nonny cleaned out all of the food that could go bad from your kitchen but she asked me to go look to see if you'd already bought a lot of baby stuff. I checked out your bedroom first because I guessed that's where you would put it. Then I saw the photo by your bed. It was the one of us together we took last New Years. When I saw it I guess a part of me wanted to cry. All this week I worried that you don't want me anywhere near you or Mackenzie, but now I know different. We broke each other's hearts so badly that I didn't think mine would ever be the same. I think for a long time I just wanted us to get back together, but now I just want us both to be happy.  
  
I found the bassinet you bought, and the baby carrier, plus the million and one stuffed animals. My grandparents took me into Denver to buy the rest of the stuff we need. Mackenzie is now the proud owner of a nursery set with a crib, a changing table, a chest of drawers and a toy box all made of cherry wood. I can't believe how beautiful it is, but Grandpa just said he wanted his great-granddaughter to have the best. Nonny bought a huge overstuffed armchair for the nursery too. She said I'd need somewhere to sit with Mackenzie and in her experience it should be somewhere I could sleep. That made me laugh a little, thinking about Nonny doing this for Mom.  
  
It took hours to buy all the things we needed, and that's without the baby clothes, which Nonny took Delia to buy yesterday evening. I can't believe such a small person needs so much. I'm sure she had more stuff than I do.  
  
The weird thing is that the shopping made all of this feel a lot more real. In three days time I'm taking my daughter home. I'll have to take care of her for the rest of my life. She'll want me to make things better when she's upset or hurt. I'm a parent. I knew that, but somehow here in the hospital it's not so hard. You have nurses to help, and they're the ones who stop the crying in the middle of the night.  
  
I'm scared. I don't want to do this. I don't think I can. I keep imagining everything that can go wrong, and I think it's going to drive me crazy. I'm scared I'll hurt her, or I'll be a bad father, but mostly I'm scared you'll never wake up and I'll have to do this on my own forever. I know your CAT scan last night showed you've improved a lot, but so much can still go wrong. Look what happened to Colin. And your heart is still weak. That's why they're keeping you asleep. I'm scared I'm going to loose you forever and that Mackenzie will never know you.  
  
I really miss my Mom right now. She'd be great about all of this. She'd be here with me, showing me what to do and reassuring me. But I lost her in a car crash and now I'm afraid I'll loose you in the same way.  
  
You have so much to wake up for Madison, and I have to believe that you will.  
  
Ephram  
  
Dear Madison,

I'm home, and so is Mackenzie. This is the first day in our new house, and it's beautiful. I can't believe it, but when we got here Nonny told me that they hadn't just rented the house, they'd bought it. They told me that they wanted to move here permanently, to spend more time with the family. I told them that they shouldn't have abandoned their life in New York for me but Grandpa told me I was an idiot and that they'd been thinking about this for a while anyway.  
  
The house is on the other side of Everwood to Dad, near school. It's got four bedrooms and a huge kitchen that you'd love. Nonny and Grandpa have set up the den as a living room for me, so that I can watch "that awful MTV" without disturbing them. The only thing that's missing is a piano, but there's one arriving next week.  
  
In some ways this is an absolute dream come true. I don't have to deal with my dad, and I've always been close to my grandparents, but it's just all happening so fast. Two weeks ago I was a regular senior, and now I've moved out and have a baby girl to look after. I haven't had time to think about any of this and maybe that's a good thing. I mean Julliard is out of the question now and I don't even know if I can go to college at all. I guess it depends on you.  
  
I want to be able to make some kind of plan for the future, but I can't. I don't even know what's going to happen tomorrow let alone in a few months time. Nonny says I should just try and take things a day at a time for now, but I'm not so sure. What's the point of everything if you don't look forward to things?  
  
Delia was over here when I got home. She was so excited to finally see Mackenzie up close. I think she almost died and went to heaven when I let her hold her new niece. She's decided to take her now role as Auntie Delia very seriously and she asked Nonny and Grandpa if she can come over every day after school. I think Dad's going to have to say yes. He hasn't been able to keep a babysitter for more than a week at a time since you left because Delia terrorizes them. Now he just dumps her at Nina's, but if Delia wants to come here, that's fine with me. I miss her a little, but don't ever tell her that. It would ruin my image as a mean older brother.  
  
I'm not looking forward to going back to school. I can stay home until Monday, but not after that. According to Amy the entire town knows what happened and everyone has an opinion. Typical small town, huh? I don't think people are thinking much about the age difference between us though, which is a good thing. I think the opinion is mainly divided over whether my dad did the right thing in making you leave. I think it was selfish, but apparently a lot of the older people in town think that he did the right thing and tried to protect me. Personally I think they'll all change their minds when they see the beautiful daughter my father tried to hide from me.  
  
I'm taking her to Mama Joy's for breakfast tomorrow. Nina called earlier to see how I was doing and made me promise to let her see Mackenzie.  
  
Anyway, it's 8pm and I'm going to bed! I know, sickening huh? But the nurses told me she tends to wake up at least three times a night, and that I should just try and sleep when she does.  
  
I'll be back to see you tomorrow evening.  
  
Ephram  
  
Dear Madison,

It's Saturday again. Two weeks since the accident and since Mac was born. She's doing so well and feeding fine. I wish I was doing so well, but I think I'm about ready to go mad from sleep deprivation. Pretty bad for three days. I think it's because I hardly slept in the hospital, and now I'm home things are starting to get to me.  
  
I had dinner with your parents yesterday. They wanted to see Mac and I think they wanted to meet me properly. It's kind of hard to get to know someone at the hospital. It went ok. They love Mac, and she was really good and only cried once while we were there. I don't think they hate me either. As much as they don't like the fact I'm so young, I think they had to admit that I'm pretty mature for my age and I'm dealing with all of this. I also scored points by giving them a framed photo of Mackenzie as a gift. Sneaky, huh?  
  
I'm leaving Mackenzie on her own with my grandparents for the first time this afternoon. I'm not really happy about it, but the doctors phoned me yesterday and said that the ECG scan they did of your heart was almost back to normal. They're cutting down the doses of drugs they're giving you, and if everything goes to plan you should wake up either today or tomorrow morning. That's such good news. I can't wait to see you and to tell you to your face how well our daughter is doing. I wish I could bring her with me, but the doctors warned that you could wake up in the middle of the night and Mac isn't allowed to stay that long in the ICU.  
  
Amy's been over here every day since I got back. I think this is a little hard for her. When we were at the hospital, it all felt less awkward. But now I'm home and I'm responsible for my little girl. I can't just go out to the movies or to Mama Joy's anymore. Either I have to bribe someone to baby- sit or I have to bring Mac, which takes as much effort as mobilizing an army. Diaper bag, stroller, changing mat, bottles of formula in case she's hungry, and a change of clothes just in case.  
  
It's not like Amy can just come over to watch a movie at the moment. I'm so tired that as soon as Mackenzie is asleep I just crash too. I guess as Mac gets older and sleeps more it'll be easier.  
  
I'm going now, as I have to feed Mac and then find some lunch myself. But I won't have to write to you anymore, because you'll be awake to see everything yourself. I missed you when you left Everwood and now we have a second chance to be friends and together we can be great parents.  
  
Ephram  
  
Dear Madison,

I know I said I wouldn't write again but I have a couple of things to say. You woke up a couple of hours ago, and I'm so happy. You're going to be ok. You were shocked to see me, but then you started crying. I wasn't sure why at first, but you just kept saying you were so sorry over and over. You tried to put your hand on your stomach and that's when I realized. When I told you our baby was fine, and that I took her home a couple of days ago you kept crying, but your eyes brightened and the smile on your face was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I showed you the photo I took when she was a day old, and one I took yesterday. You kept smiling through the tears that were streaming down your cheeks. That was when I realized. I'm still in love with you. I've read through all of these letters I written and it's so obvious. I never stopped loving you even when my heart was broken. When I compare the way I feel about Amy to the way I feel about you, there's no competition. I want to be with you, and be a real family. But I know it's never going to happen, so I'm just going to take what I can get. You told me you want to live with my grandparents and me when you get out of the hospital. It's going to be torture to be so close to you and not be able to touch you. I think that we have a good chance of being friends, and that's what's best for Mac. Mackenzie Madeline Kellner Brown, the full name you said you loved. I'm going to go get the birth certificate done tomorrow.  
  
I'm never going to let you see these letters, because I can't risk what we have now for something that could never work, but I love you Madison. We have a beautiful daughter and we can make things work as friends for her sake.  
  
Forever  
  
Ephram


End file.
